How beautiful is this pain!!!
What would I do without this pain??
Today I went to see my Hari (in T Nagar temple)… Only weekly once do I get to see him these days. But no complains….alarming?? I will explain… (atleast try)…
Meeting him is such a BIG deal!!!! I can’t even explain the hurdles completely…. We stay very far away from T Nagar…It takes about 1 to 1 & half hours to get to the temple by auto. I can’t go to the temple when I am on my way to office as the office cab won’t stop in between for personal reasons the same way I get back home past mid-night at times…So I never get a chance to meet him at all. So whenever I go to the City for some reason, I club it along with going to the temple. Like if I go to Perambur (my mom’s place). I don’t take a direct bus to Perambur. I go via T nagar and again while returning back I make a point to meet him. The funniest part would be whenever I go & see him; I have a pile of bags in my hand (dresses to stay at my mom’s place or some crap)… He laughs at me for that!!
Initially I used to be very open with my husband & in-laws that am going to the temple. It became such an issue that every time they used to say, “Perumal is here 5 mins away(there is a temple nearby)….why do you have to travel all the way to T nagar & get back all the way down just to see him??” …..I tried my best explaining…then slowly my husband started saying, “Okay….You always look for an opportunity to go to Tnagar….temple!! I don’t know why!!” My relationship with Hari remains very very personal & secret (as everyone’s I guess except DP (ohhh Dad-daughter hehe). I don't want to hurt anyone or embarass anyone by acting weird....It is better that certain things remain a secret! However, I started going to a bhajan class very recently wherein I get to learn Hari Kirtan from a wonderful lady….On every Wednesdays I have my classes…Am able to attend the class as my shift commences late in the afternoon. Hence every Wednesday, I go and see him…..:-) It’s a secret meeting though……I have no choice!!:-( Ppl think it’s weird to go to temple everyday….what am I supposed to do? Its weird to cry in front of an idol!!!!!!! Its weird to sing or chant! Its weird to Love the lord even as a friend!!! One is allowed to go to temple whenever one is troubled in life.. do namaskaram, perform arthi, have theertham, do archana but NOTHING more than that…….:-((( But its not weird to be a greatest FAN of actors/actresses and perform milk abishekam for pictures of men/women….and celebrate the meaningless songs sung in the praises of them!!!!! Now I don’t understand the meaning of “weird”………. J Maybe my (our) dictionary is different!
However getting back to the pain of separation, Today when I met him…….I just cried & cried & cried as though having lost someone….. Everytime when I see him, It is such a wonderful feeling. I can’t go & hug him. So I place the thulasi garland close to my heart….hug the thulsi garland, kiss the garland & pass it on to him……I secretly place the garland in my chest actually end-up crushing the garland a bit pressing against my chest……then when I give it to the poojari, the garland would be so warm due to the body heat (hehe) Hot garlands for perumal hehehehe J….In T Nagar temple, you can actually come a little behind after his darshan and have a complete darshan of him even for half hr or more than that….the Q would be moving as usual you wouldn’t be disturbing the floating crowd but you can just get back to the prayer hall and take his complete darshan & no one would stop you. It is such a bliss! Everytime.. I talk to him within my heart, cry, laugh & even feel very very very shy…..esp when I had imagined him very intimately in my heart the prior night…..I won’t even be able to look at him upfront because I know HE KNOWS EVERY LITTLE DETAIL…sometimes I really wish I could hide certain things from him :-( maybe its a girl thing!….then when I have to leave, I tell him when I’ll be meeting him next. I tell him any important updates if any…..everything you know….pretty much like meeting a boyfriend in a particular secret place. But every time when I say “Bye Ummah” I cry like anything……the pain of separation would be so unbearable! But you know I love thatJ whenever I don’t have that pain….I keep begging him to give that pain!!!!!!! The pain connects you with him! The pain ensures that he’ll COME one day!!!! Ya see… HE loves me (sorry ..us)….How long can he hide himself behind the screen letting us burn in the fire of pain? He will come!!!!
This pain of separation from him burns like fire sometimes and can’t be cooled by rivers of tears…..ONLY the nectar of his lips can cure the wound…….He is Danvantri ( Doctor for ALL)….How can he not cure his beloved ones from disease of separation? This soul can’t & won’t enter the gates of Vaikuntham unless He hugs me tightly in Bhoolokam. He only says in BG that, “the soul takes up different bodies according to one’s desire in the present life!!!!!” & as long as one has any kind of intense desire, the soul keeps taking different bodies to fulfill the desires (that’s karma)…… Okay maybe He won’t come in this birth……..FINE!!!! let him not!!!! This soul would take up another body and cry for him……may be he won’t come at that time again……okay am fine!!!!!! But until this desire is quenched this soul is going to take up N number of births and CRY CRY CRY CRY for him……burn in desire for him……………ok after 100 janmas or above…….atleast then HE would feel like coming in person right????????? Let him come……….I do NOT aspire for Moksha or anything until then…………………Let him come!!!!!! Whether it takes several yugas….or several births…..I just want HIM! I believe strongly whatever he says in BG!!!!!! The oceans might melt…..the mountains might be broken to pieces but HIS WORDS won’t go in vain!!!!!!!!!! I will wait for him………………………………………………………I love this pain! I love burning in desire for him for I know the outcome of all the wound in my heart………………..there is cure! Every day I think about that cure for my disease of love….this is a disease of thirst!……………He cares for this soul like for every soul…….That is true…..hence HE can’t dust me away from his heart, can he? He can’t shut his eyes & laugh!!!!! can he????
This thirst can be quenched ONLY by him……..He knows that…otherwise why would someone call him “Antharyami”!!!!!!
Okay………..thought of just saying that the pain is beautiful…………….forgive me for any errors in this blog.....just vented-out things form my heart...
