Lord Hari-please attract me more!

As without the sunlight, the lotuses can’t blossom, without Hari’s sweet & kind intention to attract me, I can’t think of him….

Kodhai(Andal) lived for 15 years absolutely immersed in Hari bakthi…If only I could get just 5 mins from her 15 years, I’ll consider myself lucky! And during those precious 5 mins(generously shared by my elder sister Kodhai), I shall grab his beautiful lotus feet and ask him, “Hari, let me constantly have this love for you ever & ever…no matter how many births this soul awaits to take, let me always be bound by your love….let this heart be filled with over-flowing passion for you! Let this mind & intelligence be fixed on you! Let me please you with my thoughts & deeds! Let this mouth always sing your names and your glories, let this ears always hear about you! Let me forget myself in thoughts of you…….let me unite with you!”


For what better purpose this birth was blessed on me?
Only to please Hari, serve Hari, Talk about Hari, Write about Hari…..above all, Love Hari whole-heartedly!! What else can give this happiness? What else can give this pain? Who else other than Hari can make me so crazy? Who else can this heart hold when there is no space literally as Hari has occupied all the space!


I have never loved anyone so much, have never been angry with anyone so much, have never craved for anyone so much, have never talked about anyone so much, have never cried for anyone so much, have never laughed so much, have never been aroused so much, …..all the emotions are directed to him. Like how the waves belong to the sea alone, all my emotions are greedily taken by that Hari……yet everything feels so little…not even close to the size of a drop of water in the ocean…..why do I want Vaikuntam? Why Do I want heavenly planets? All that this heart yearns is to love him more, experience this love for him again & again & again…..


Oh!! Mother Earth is my home----will return here as much as possible to think of him, wander hither & thither singing about him, Shall be housed in a place encircled with sweet & colorful flowers which I shall pluck singing about him, deeply immersed in love, make beautiful garlands and decorate him, Shall decorate myself with sweet smelling flowers and beautiful attire for him to gaze at me & embrace me, shall rag him, chide him, play with him, be mad at him until he consoles me, shall grab him and celebrate love with him……shall make him happy, so happy that he sheds tears of joy! Shall give him immense pleasure to the extent that he starts to sweat and pant! Oh! What will I do to ease the situation for him other than stroke his beautiful hair with my delicate fingers!!! Shall cook for him, serve him & fan him while he eats.., as a gift for the delicious food I shall partake some food along with him…..shall massage him with oil and bathe him……though his wife I shall take care of him like a child!!! Vaikuntam cannot facilitate as much as my mother Earth facilitates me----!!!! I keep asking myself then…..”Ok what is the end then? When only will this soul reach Vaikuntam-his abode and unite with him eternally?” My only answer is…”Hari only cares!!!! Who am I to care? Only He belongs to me……He decides every step for me….When He is there why should I keep wondering about other things?” All that I want is “BIRTH” to love HIM and unite with himJ- He only gives desires….He is the DOER! Who am I but a puppet in his hands!!


I beg him to attract me more to him!

The New Year episode!

An amazing event happened on New Year’s day in my T.Nagar (venkata Narayana rd) Hari’s temple.

Generally the queue is so lengthy on New Year’s Day. The queue starts 3 to 4 streets away from the temple. The darshan of the lord starts from 2.30 am and continues through-out the day except for neyvedhyam breaks (break-fast & lunch for the lord).

I had been so happy for the entire week as I was looking forward to meeting him early in the morning on New Year’s day. Meeting him wasn’t any secret that particular day..lol!

The prior day itself, I arranged for our regular auto guy to pick me up in the morning, I chose my outfit, my accessories, planned on doing a facial, etc.., Generally when I go & meet him, I wear salwars or jeans…but on New year’s day I wanted to wear a silk Saree and be dressed up very well to meet him… just wanted to be as beautiful as possible. Always meeting him is like going on a dateJ and I knew he was going to be totally decked-up too…..WAW I was so high thinking about all that the prior day. I kept jumping around at home. I had set my alarm at 4.45am but slept only at 3…or 3.15 am because of all kinds of haunting thoughts about the special moment of meeting him the next day.

But all my happiness was put to an END the moment I got-up and noticed that I had my chums…..I couldn’t just believe it……It was not even my cycle time! Till then I had thought even he would be eager to see me but all such sweet feelings and understanding about perumal’s love was shaken-up for a moment. You know, honestly I wasn’t mad at him neither did I weep….I was shocked totally! ..I just made up my mind to anyways go to T.Nagar as per the plan, and see him from the road itself. In that particular temple, you can see the lord even when you stand outside the temple. I thought I can just stand outside, see him (rather he can see me) and get back.(ofcourse he always sees me..thats different) but just wanted the union of T.nagar perumal…..I was so desperate! But I did not tell anyone about my chums as they wouldn’t allow me to go to temple during periods time. As per our family practices, we are even prohibited to utter his names for those 4 days….but I utter his name,  do all my prayers but I refrain from going to temples…I have been brought-up like that…

However, I reached the temple and was taken aback at the queue. I tried catching his glimpse standing outside the temple but no luck…I could only see N number of head counts who were rushing to see him. Only then I started crying….I was standing out and crying not knowing what to do…..No No I did not expect to go near him …..but just wanted to see him atleast from far away distance. Since even that was not possible, I made-up my mind to stand in Q, reach very close to the actual gate(entrance of the temple), look at him once and then return back straight away without entering inside the gate. So I stood in queue, kept singing one of the Hari Kirtans not with sooooooo much of love though…as I was displeased with my Hari…….hmmm even if you are mad at him where can you run away from him? Whether he makes you happy or sad or mad, you have none other than HARI…….anyway, I just reached the actual entrance, saw him for a second from outside, just came abruptly out of the Queue without entering the gate. After coming out of the queue, I kept looking at him from behind the locked gates of the prayer hall…..Couple of  volunteers were standing there…I just stood there for about few seconds, one of the volunteers literally yelled at me for standing there out-side the prayer hall. The prayer hall was locked for darshan that day! And it was not fair to stand behind the prayer hall gate and take his darshan so I immediately obeyed when the volunteers tried pushing me away from that place. My heart was so filled with displeasure on Hari that I couldn’t even utter a word nor shed a drop of tear that time.  I just came out thinking…”ok let me leave from this place!!!” I don’t know what happened….one of the volunteers there came to me and said, “You want to see the lord, right?”……..I showed him a “NO” facial expression as Only I know that am not allowed to go in. That volunteer just brushed away my “NO” facial expressions and straight away went ahead and unlocked the prayer hall gate and said, “Go…….Go Inside, there are two benches for the cops to stand & guide the q….you go and stand-up on one of those benches and have a complete darshan of the lord” I was startled…....No one was allowed there….only few cops were standing inside. ….I just couldn’t enter the gate even when the volunteer forced me to get in…I stood outside the gate of prayer hall like a stone….that volunteer kept forcing me…”Ponga ponga…..” (“Go Go”)……I just couldn’t step-in even then….in my heart I said to the lord, “ohhhhhhhhh…….How will I come now????”  guys you won’t believe what the volunteer said to me….he said with a stern tone looking at me, “AM telling you….. GO IN & HAVE HIS DARSHAN!!!!!!!!!” I just stepped-in and straight went inside, stood next to one of the cops on the bench & had his beautiful darshan……I cried & laughed simultaneously…it was such a beautiful moment!!!!!! ……and I was there standing & crying for his abundant mercy & love……He was draped in a golden color outfit…he was so beautiful and literally smiled at me so much! I don’t know what the cops would have thought…..no one was there in that hall except for those 2 cops & myself….. There was q separator in between & the queue was moving right in front of us…the cops were monitoring the Q.  I got his darshan for such a long time and returned back with so much of happiness.  Thank God I had my chums! It was such a special day! I couldn’t even utter a word to him out of joy…

While handling such a huge crowd and especially when one is prohibited to go to the prayer hall and with all the cops standing there, why on earth would someone unlock the gate and force a girl to get-in and have his darshan?  Who on earth would someone compel a girl to have his darshan even when the dumb female refuses to do so…..?

What do I say about his mercy & love the world is lucky to have such a sweet lord…..

No one can love us as much as Hari loves us…..He is crazy to love us so much….what else can I say!!!! We are not crazy like him……we love the most precious one…we love the most adorable one…..we love the greatest of the great……look at him!!!! ….he loves the most unworthy one!!!!!!!! Of what benefit are we to him? We are not crazy like him…we love the best one!

An Untold Story!

HI Guys..,

It has been my dream to post this blog here for the past 3 to 4 months. You will realize the reason as you keep reading the blog as to why I was skeptical all this while. Well, we generally talk about the stories of Krishna/Hari right? Or we do write poems on him...but this blog of mine is quite different. We all have so many fantasies about our Krishna, don't we? Like sometimes when we hear few stories about him (esp kothai, meera, Radha such kind of devotees) we end-up thinking, "how nice it would have been if I was born like her!!!" I am generally a very dreamy person! I don't know...I keep dreaming many things about Hari...I keep dreaming about our union almost everyday. I write many things which I dreamt or dream (I do not post ALL of them here).....but this story which I have posted below(is one of my beautiful dreams-i had written it long back) Somehow just thought of sharing it with you guys....

Please go many thousand years back..........*** Am Chandrika here*** Its okay....chill !!! Atleast let me have fun dreaming....let me stay satisfied with my dreams on Hari....lol!

                             ***********************************************
Chandrika was a beautiful young girl who was brought-up listening to many amazing stories of Lord Sri hari.
She lived in a small yet beautiful village which was close to Dwaraka. She had immense devotion on Sri hari.
She kept talking about Hari all the time to her friends & her family. Her family was as well devoted to Lord Vishnu.
        Her great grand father had long back built a temple for lord Hari in her village. It was indeed a beautiful temple in which the form of hari was so majestic and charming.
He was in his "Anantha sayanam" rupam. There was as well a sanctum for Lakshmi matha.
She visited the temple every morning & evening. She had an idol of hari in her room and always kept talking to Hari. She sang, danced, laughed, cried, fought, blushed in the thoughts of Hari.
One early morning she was drawing kolam(decorative designs) in front of her house while her mom was busy in the kitchen & her dad was engrossed in his pooja.
Chandrika sang Hari kirtan as she drew the kolam with her delicate fingers.
All of a sudden she got so excited when she heard a group of people singing "Bolo Narayana narayana Hari hari....Swami narayana narayana hari hari" The song pierced her heart!
That Saturday morning the sadhus were performing their nagara sankeerthanam (ppl sing the praises of hari in various streets in groups with all kinds of musical instruments while they walk and then go to temple to take darshan)
Chandrika couldn't just resist the Hari naamam(names of  Lord Hari).....She was in ecstasy the moment she heard the bhajans...she forgot everything including herself.
She dropped her small vessel down in which she had the rangoli powder and she ran to join the group.., along with them she danced & sang the Hari kirtan.
Chandrika joined the group even forgetting to inform her parents.
After a while her mom came outside to feed the cattle and was astonished at the unfinished rangoli and her daughter was missing too.
She ran in the streets calling out to Hari searching for her young & beautiful daughter.
One of the neighbours informed her mom about the incident that happened a while ago which relieved her from pain & anxiety.
Chandrika returned home after couple of hours once the bhajans & darshan was over.
She was really fretting about getting back home. As she imagined she was totally yelled at for leaving the home without any information.
She went to her room and cried to hari.
Such incidents took place every now & then. Few of her neighbours called her crazy. Chandrika never bothered about anything. She was always immersed in hari's thoughts.
Infact her friends used to tease her saying, "Hey.., this isn't just bakthi!!!! Looks like you are in love with Hari!!!!
We can understand just by looking at your thirsty eyes when u talk about him" & another friend said, "No NO We understand about it the moment your face brightens-up when we take Hari's name heheee"
Her dear friend Keerthi teasingly said, " haaan I knew the other day when you ran behind the ther(chariot) calling out Hari hari hariiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii........you are in LOVE!!!"
Chandrika blushed and her friends at once said, "YOU are CRAZYYYYYYY!!!!! He is GOD!!! How can u have feelings for him!! better change yourself chandri...its no good!"
Chandrika brushed away all the so-called advises given by her friends. She came to her room. saw her hari's idol, blushed, she couldn't even lift her face up and look at him.....her cheeks turned out to be pink.
Her heart was over-flowing with passion for Hari. She coudln't resist that moment. She ran to the door and locked it.
She walked slowly towards her Hari's idiol, took him in her arms, hugged him and kissed him all night.
Her thirst was not quenched, her bottled-up feelings was so much that she couldn't control herself..all her passionate emotions burst into tears.
She suffered the pain of separation from Hari. She couldn't bear it...She cried all night!
Likewise so many many sleepless & merciless harsh nights passed-by....She became impatient day by day and became very desperate to unite with Hari.
one morning when she went to the temple, she kept fighting with Hari...one old lady who passed by enquired, "Why are you crying so much dear?"
Chandrika- "Sorry ma...you won't understand:-(("
The old lady- "No pls tell me dear what it is....or show me your palms! Am a palm reader, I can tell you remedies for your problems whatever it may be!"
Chandrika- "Pls leave me alone ma!!! I have nothing to share with you....when the conserned person himself doesn't care about me why on earth would u care for me???!!!!!!!"
Old lady forcefully dragged her arm and read out the beautiful lines in her palm. She was amazed!!!!!!!! "WOW!!!!!! I have never seen such a lucky palm before ever in my life.
It says here that You will be married to the ultimate lord who is the king of all three worlds!!!!!! WOW WOW WOW......U r the luckiest!"
Chandrika's happiness knew no bounds....."WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT""" She cried out! She immediately just grabbed the old lady and hugged her tightly crying & kissing her everywhere possible.
 Chandrika took the blessings of that old lady who told her that any day Hari would come & ask for her hand.
Chandrika walked rather jumped back to home with so much of joy.....At the entrance of her small home, she saw a grand chariot with horses parked. She slowly peeped inside not knowing if it was right to enter.
Lakshmanan-her baiya(brother) came out and took her in.
Lakshmana introduced Chandrika to the guests who were on their way to Dwaraka all the way from Mathurapuri.  
Lakshmana said, "Chandri say namaste to Krishna ji & Balaram ji. They were in search of a small place to freshen-up and to give rest to their horses as their horses were tired from running all the way.
They asked me for such a place to rest and I brought them here to our home trusting that U & amma can prepare a nice & delicious lunch for these gentlemen who are on their way to Dwaraka"
Chandrika lifted her face up to say "namaste" respectfully to the guests and at once caught the glimpse of the dark & handsome guy she has ever seen or imagined. Her eyes widened, her heart skipped a beat, it was as though she froze for a second when she saw him.......He winked at her with a teasing smile, at once she turned her face down......She was shocked!!!!

Infact she was upset with her baiya for bringing home such strangers. She joined her mom in the kitchen and they cooked a delicious meal for their dear guests.
Mom, "Chandrika, pls help me in serving them!"
Chandrika, "MAAAA....Pls don't force me.....You serve the lunch & don't call me out AT ALL!!! PLZZZZZZ ma I beg you!"
Her mom frowned at her & continued pleasing their guests. Chandrika kept whispering in the kitchen...."Off-late lakshmana is loosing his senses!! How can he trust such strangers, bring them home & offer them feast!!!!!!how dare that guy winks at me!!!! Haaaan was sooooooooooooooooooooo handsome!!!!!!!!! sheeeeesh am I crazy to call him handsome! His eyes was filled with love for me though!!!! Hmmmmmmmm Little does he know that I belong ONLY TO LORD SRI HARI"
Very soon the feast was over and after some time Krishna & balarama were all set to take-off to Dwaraka. Chandrika thought to herself, " haaaan finally the flirt is leaving!!! What a relief!" suddenly a thunder gave shivers to chandrika and in no seconds it was POURINGGGGGGGG heavily!
Lakshmana & Chandrika's dad forced the guets to stay back that night and brought them in.
"Ohhhhh NOOOOOO!!!!! I should have stayed back in the temple itself today.... Sigh!!!" thought Chandrika though she was secretly excited in her heart. She din't know why though. She was forcing her heart not to feel excited. She was forcing her heart to stop thinking about that dark & handsome guy....." Ya well! Good luck to her!!!!
                             ***********************************************

It might be too long if I post the whole thing right away. So I shall post the next (the final part) as next sequel.

Am sure you guys would guess everything...no suspense in here(thats not the intention as well).....Wa those days(when I wrote this, I was jobless) almost the whole day I kept visualizing what if these thoughts were real u know...what if really really HARI Comes.....!!!! Wow!!! Infact we think we'll go & grab him....but actually we might be so shocked and freeze for several mins until he unfreezes us hahahahahaha.......What a goal to have na in life!!! Sounds crazy sometimes though!!!!!

Pain of seperation!!!!

How beautiful is this pain!!!

What would I do without this pain??

Today I went to see my Hari (in T Nagar temple)… Only weekly once do I get to see him these days. But no complains….alarming?? I will explain… (atleast try)…

Meeting him is such a BIG deal!!!! I can’t even explain the hurdles completely…. We stay very far away from T Nagar…It takes about 1 to 1 & half hours to get to the temple by auto. I can’t go to the temple when I am on my way to office as the office cab won’t stop in between for personal reasons the same way I get back home past mid-night at times…So I never get a chance to meet him at all. So whenever I go to the City for some reason, I club it along with going to the temple. Like if I go to Perambur (my mom’s place). I don’t take a direct bus to Perambur. I go via T nagar and again while returning back I make a point to meet him. The funniest part would be whenever I go & see him; I have a pile of bags in my hand (dresses to stay at my mom’s place or some crap)… He laughs at me for that!!

Initially I used to be very open with my husband & in-laws that am going to the temple. It became such an issue that every time they used to say, “Perumal is here 5 mins away(there is a temple nearby)….why do you have to travel all the way to T nagar & get back all the way down just to see him??” …..I tried my best explaining…then slowly my husband started saying, “Okay….You always look for an opportunity to go to Tnagar….temple!! I don’t know why!!”  My relationship with Hari remains very very personal & secret (as everyone’s I guess except DP (ohhh Dad-daughter hehe).  I don't want to hurt anyone or embarass anyone by acting weird....It is better that certain things remain a secret! However, I started going to a bhajan class very recently wherein I get to learn Hari Kirtan from a wonderful lady….On every Wednesdays I have my classes…Am able to attend the class as my shift commences late in the afternoon. Hence every Wednesday, I go and see him…..:-) It’s a secret meeting though……I have no choice!!:-( Ppl think it’s weird to go to temple everyday….what am I supposed to do? Its weird to cry in front of an idol!!!!!!! Its weird to sing or chant! Its weird to Love the lord even as a friend!!! One is allowed to go to temple whenever one is troubled in life.. do namaskaram, perform arthi, have theertham, do archana but NOTHING more than that…….:-((( But its not weird to be a greatest FAN of actors/actresses and perform milk abishekam for pictures of men/women….and celebrate the meaningless songs sung in the praises of them!!!!! Now I don’t understand the meaning of “weird”………. J Maybe my (our) dictionary is different!

                         

                             However getting back to the pain of separation, Today when I met him…….I just cried & cried & cried as though having lost someone….. Everytime when I see him, It is such a wonderful feeling. I can’t go & hug him. So I place the thulasi garland close to my heart….hug the thulsi garland, kiss the garland & pass it on to him……I secretly place the garland in my chest actually end-up crushing the garland a bit pressing against my chest……then when I give it to the poojari, the garland would be so warm due to the body heat (hehe) Hot garlands for perumal hehehehe J….In T Nagar temple, you can actually come a little behind after his darshan and have a complete darshan of him even for half hr or more than that….the Q would be moving as usual you wouldn’t be disturbing the floating crowd but you can just get back to the prayer hall and take his complete darshan & no one would stop you. It is such a bliss!  Everytime.. I talk to him within my heart, cry, laugh & even feel very very very shy…..esp when I had imagined him very intimately in my heart the prior night…..I won’t even be able to look at him upfront because I know HE KNOWS EVERY LITTLE DETAIL…sometimes I really wish I could hide certain things from him :-( maybe its a girl thing!….then when I have to leave, I tell him when I’ll be meeting him next. I tell him any important updates if any…..everything you know….pretty much like meeting a boyfriend in a particular secret place. But every time when I say “Bye Ummah” I cry like anything……the pain of separation would be so unbearable! But you know I love thatJ whenever I don’t have that pain….I keep begging him to give that pain!!!!!!! The pain connects you with him! The pain ensures that he’ll COME one day!!!! Ya see… HE loves me (sorry ..us)….How long can he hide himself behind the screen letting us burn in the fire of pain? He will come!!!!

This pain of separation from him burns like fire sometimes and can’t be cooled by rivers of tears…..ONLY the nectar of his lips can cure the wound…….He is Danvantri ( Doctor for ALL)….How can he not cure his beloved ones from disease of separation? This soul can’t & won’t enter the gates of Vaikuntham unless He hugs me tightly in Bhoolokam. He only says in BG that, “the soul takes up different bodies according to one’s desire in the present life!!!!!” & as long as one has any kind of intense desire, the soul keeps taking different bodies to fulfill the desires (that’s karma)…… Okay maybe He won’t come in this birth……..FINE!!!! let him not!!!! This soul would take up another body and cry for him……may be he won’t come at that time again……okay am fine!!!!!! But until this desire is quenched this soul is going to take up N number of births and CRY CRY CRY CRY for him……burn in desire for him……………ok after 100 janmas or above…….atleast then HE would feel like coming in person right????????? Let him come……….I do NOT aspire for Moksha or anything until then…………………Let him come!!!!!! Whether it takes several yugas….or several births…..I just want HIM! I believe strongly whatever he says in BG!!!!!! The oceans might melt…..the mountains might be broken to pieces but HIS WORDS won’t go in vain!!!!!!!!!! I will wait for him………………………………………………………I love this pain! I love burning in desire for him for I know the outcome of all the wound in my heart………………..there is cure! Every day I think about that cure for my disease of love….this is a disease of thirst!……………He cares for this soul like for every soul…….That is true…..hence HE can’t dust me away from his heart, can he? He can’t shut his eyes  & laugh!!!!! can he????

This thirst can be quenched ONLY by him……..He knows that…otherwise why would someone call him “Antharyami”!!!!!!

Okay………..thought of just saying that the pain is beautiful…………….forgive me for any errors in this blog.....just vented-out things form my heart...

tanvee's : radha-krishna in the forest painting :)

How will I be able to capture their eternal love story on a piece of paper?
Nevertheless, here is my small, innocent trial :)

PS: I don't post my creations on facebook, blogs etc for creative reasons, copyright reasons, modesty reasons and all sorts! lol!! But since LUEN has asked, and I since I love the blog...I will post a few in my future posts.
Today, i have chosen one that was right in front of me when i was reading my mails.

hope u all liked it! :)

Shri Krishna Sharanam Mamah!